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apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
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