Texts From Last Night

hogfish's Favorites Texts:

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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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  (314): Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do" http://tfl.nu/rrgq
  Replies (11) Good night (1962) Bad night (647)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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  (608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week. http://tfl.nu/5pj6
  Replies (9) Good night (1401) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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  (214): New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables http://tfl.nu/m9ex
  Replies (27) Good night (5888) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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  (561): so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same http://tfl.nu/2qn4
  Replies (9) Good night (4753) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!

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  (509): It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me! http://tfl.nu/u8n7
  Replies (2) Good night (878) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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  (304): My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger. http://tfl.nu/dtz4
  Replies (5) Good night (1609) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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  (757): I murdered the dance floor call the cops http://tfl.nu/jwsp
  Replies (14) Good night (1888) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.

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  (724): He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right. http://tfl.nu/6rqx
  Replies (7) Good night (340) Bad night (913)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We call that spaghetti Os

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  (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it (617): We call that spaghetti Os http://tfl.nu/dgrn
  Replies (33) Good night (9645) Bad night (626)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid

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  (715): if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid http://tfl.nu/otel
  Replies (8) Good night (780) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

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  (512): Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis http://tfl.nu/fz62
  Replies (6) Good night (1855) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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  (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up? http://tfl.nu/08g9
  Replies (7) Good night (3865) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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  (734): I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u http://tfl.nu/md4z
  Replies (11) Good night (6354) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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  (317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you." http://tfl.nu/oa2r
  Replies (12) Good night (3478) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

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  (248): THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST http://tfl.nu/uts3
  Replies (5) Good night (1357) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
  Replies (21) Good night (4708) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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  (916): Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius. http://tfl.nu/nzur
  Replies (26) Good night (6338) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  it was a shit show

  (917): View more from New York City

  We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.

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  (310): it was a shit show (917): We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet. http://tfl.nu/uvin
  Replies (3) Good night (815) Bad night (370)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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  (717): They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had http://tfl.nu/qmkc
  Replies (46) Good night (4548) Bad night (1410) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

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  (530): Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication http://tfl.nu/e0p4
  Replies (10) Good night (2038) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?

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  (919): Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas? http://tfl.nu/7kpc
  Replies (6) Good night (1628) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i feel rough

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.

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  (617): i feel rough (617): just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/6foz
  Replies (24) Good night (438) Bad night (1533)
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
  Replies (28) Good night (4591) Bad night (535)
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

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  (952): You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness. http://tfl.nu/88ay
  Replies (6) Good night (2170) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (3919) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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  (765): I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship. http://tfl.nu/nv2q
  Replies (40) Good night (936) Bad night (2728) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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  (757): sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk http://tfl.nu/2uta
  Replies (9) Good night (1912) Bad night (952) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Why were you high on a thursday?

  (1-650): View more from California

  today's a wednesday

  (650): View more from California

  I asked first.

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  (650): Why were you high on a thursday? (1-650): today's a wednesday (650): I asked first. http://tfl.nu/enxr
  Replies (9) Good night (2170) Bad night (279)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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  (910): I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect. http://tfl.nu/cd2m
  Replies (4) Good night (2683) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.

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  (401): I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths. http://tfl.nu/qww0
  Replies (37) Good night (765) Bad night (2129) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.

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  (617): You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints. http://tfl.nu/h72d
  Replies (3) Good night (1372) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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  (541): dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed http://tfl.nu/93gi
  Replies (45) Good night (1995) Bad night (10720) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  What color are my eyes?

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  Ummmm... 34 C?

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  (519): What color are my eyes? (1-519): Ummmm... 34 C? http://tfl.nu/3v5v
  Replies (13) Good night (10705) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.

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  (412): Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything. http://tfl.nu/9u4l
  Replies (4) Good night (2366) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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  (480): Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that. http://tfl.nu/wbxh
  Replies (13) Good night (4330) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
  Replies (10) Good night (5582) Bad night (981) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  So glad I found your sister.

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  (240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find. (443): So glad I found your sister. http://tfl.nu/p3yp
  Replies (36) Good night (9403) Bad night (948)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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  (215): Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank.... http://tfl.nu/wvlh
  Replies (27) Good night (919) Bad night (4768) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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  (505): Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking. http://tfl.nu/b01w
  Replies (37) Good night (972) Bad night (4782) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
  Replies (117) Good night (36146) Bad night (1051)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
  Replies (24) Good night (6765) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
  Replies (21) Good night (9982) Bad night (1541) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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  (586): Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you http://tfl.nu/xexu
  Replies (7) Good night (1372) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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  (306): I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not. http://tfl.nu/ytdq
  Replies (5) Good night (3363) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?

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  (203): these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw? http://tfl.nu/m5nm
  Replies (1) Good night (1254) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.

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  (949): I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying. http://tfl.nu/ychl
  Replies (4) Good night (870) Bad night (1408) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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  (415): sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/mg5e
  Replies (21) Good night (5533) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.

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  (303): I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume. http://tfl.nu/tvs1
  Replies (7) Good night (2283) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

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  (708): Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now. http://tfl.nu/4cfq
  Replies (54) Good night (7016) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.

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  (316): I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock. http://tfl.nu/nmgr
  Replies (15) Good night (3446) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.

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  (314): Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy. http://tfl.nu/gwon
  Replies (4) Good night (615) Bad night (2644) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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  (412): he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with. http://tfl.nu/jmfl
  Replies (13) Good night (5167) Bad night (923)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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  (248): Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police. http://tfl.nu/zopt
  Replies (9) Good night (1278) Bad night (4124) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter

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  (425): In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter http://tfl.nu/la90
  Replies (5) Good night (2738) Bad night (800)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you want me

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'd rather choke on a dick.

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  (773): you want me (978): i'd rather choke on a dick. http://tfl.nu/nrvz
  Replies (3) Good night (528) Bad night (1278)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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  (239): Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way http://tfl.nu/7r2y
  Replies (13) Good night (4121) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?

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  (347): triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time? http://tfl.nu/50jt
  Replies (14) Good night (3544) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

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  (719): physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go. http://tfl.nu/oxgw
  Replies (2) Good night (2146) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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  (216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi
  Replies (27) Good night (590) Bad night (5569) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Have you learned any life lessons?

  (406): View more from Montana

  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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  (303): Have you learned any life lessons? (406): I like big butts and I cannot lie. http://tfl.nu/s51u
  Replies (11) Good night (2402) Bad night (343)
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
  Replies (24) Good night (17224) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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  (905): Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should. http://tfl.nu/b27t
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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  (613): OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch http://tfl.nu/pswe
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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  (502): WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?! http://tfl.nu/ajcv
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  (716): View more from New York

  honey bunches of taint.

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  (716): honey bunches of taint. http://tfl.nu/msqz
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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  (715): isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month http://tfl.nu/ybux
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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  (404): Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs. http://tfl.nu/4a67
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

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  (402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem.. http://tfl.nu/fbwf
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  (607): View more from New York

  I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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  (607): I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them. http://tfl.nu/ng5q
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  that girl last night was a 15

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  wait she was 15?

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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  (413): that girl last night was a 15 (1-413): wait she was 15? (413): no like black jack not sure if you should hit it http://tfl.nu/qny1
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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  (937): so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had. http://tfl.nu/vdqf
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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  (717): James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks. http://tfl.nu/8rn4
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  (949): View more from California

  is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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  (949): is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute?? http://tfl.nu/snv5
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well how do you think I feel

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fair enough

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  (860): Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate (401): Well how do you think I feel (860): fair enough http://tfl.nu/zhgr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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  (570): do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome. http://tfl.nu/5az6
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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  (812): How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt? http://tfl.nu/qj8s
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  (714): View more from California

  so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

  (1-714): View more from California

  i'm so jealous of you right now.

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  (714): so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;) (1-714): i'm so jealous of you right now. http://tfl.nu/egrq
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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  (504): Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie http://tfl.nu/6e1s
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.

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  (215): we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius. http://tfl.nu/4mg0
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"

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  (941): I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is" http://tfl.nu/uvfs
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (518): View more from New York

  He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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  (518): He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!" http://tfl.nu/furw
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pappa wants mamma naked

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  (847): Pappa wants mamma naked http://tfl.nu/uc4c
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Call meee

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

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  (603): Call meee (781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now... http://tfl.nu/j06g
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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  (662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say. http://tfl.nu/fs2e
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  (360): View more from Washington

  his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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  (360): his personality makes his face look like an asshole. http://tfl.nu/0gwl
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  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

  (210): View more from Texas

  S P E L L C H E C K

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  No you dumbass thats not right

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  (808): how do you spell 'special'? like slow? (210): S P E L L C H E C K (808): No you dumbass thats not right http://tfl.nu/z6b5
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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  (303): I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move. http://tfl.nu/t85w
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I just know... :) goodntight

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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  (281): I just know... :) goodntight (1-281): Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too. http://tfl.nu/kxmt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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  (973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now? http://tfl.nu/9ud5
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  (516): View more from New York

  Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

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  (516): Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you http://tfl.nu/9qq5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
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  (949): View more from California

  Getting food. Want anything?

  (1-949): View more from California

  Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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  (949): Getting food. Want anything? (1-949): Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce http://tfl.nu/xicu
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  How wet are you?

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  Ever heard of a U-boat?

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  (908): How wet are you? (1-908): Ever heard of a U-boat? http://tfl.nu/c25g
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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  (303): normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective. http://tfl.nu/9jpo
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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  (703): The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am." http://tfl.nu/b7uw
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  (714): View more from California

  Ikea night.

  (949): View more from California

  ?

  (714): View more from California

  Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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  (714): Ikea night. (949): ? (714): Insert tab A into swedish slot B http://tfl.nu/q7ph
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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  (513): he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk. http://tfl.nu/epms
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  (904): View more from Florida

  The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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  (904): The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him. http://tfl.nu/fka6
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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  (816): Absence makes the cock grow harder. http://tfl.nu/yyl1
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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  (352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk http://tfl.nu/lbo9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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  (502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore http://tfl.nu/n25p
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I haven't been this sober since birth.

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  (609): I haven't been this sober since birth. http://tfl.nu/qg8c
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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  (352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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  (954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

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  (917): She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic http://tfl.nu/5xzq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I heard you threw up in your lap?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  I heard that too.

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  (541): I heard you threw up in your lap? (1-541): I heard that too. http://tfl.nu/s86w
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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  (320): im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it... http://tfl.nu/g5dr
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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  (732): Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day. http://tfl.nu/xpns
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

  (419): View more from Ohio

  And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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  (419): We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball (419): And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity http://tfl.nu/7q0o
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  (845): View more from New York

  I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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  (845): I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/6xbj
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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  (706): Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't. http://tfl.nu/ol3k
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Who did Billy Mays play for?

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  (732): Who did Billy Mays play for? http://tfl.nu/wvwr
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Do you want the good news or bad news first?

  (678): View more from Georgia

  bad news

  (205): View more from Alabama

  The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.

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  (205): Do you want the good news or bad news first? (678): bad news (205): The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos. http://tfl.nu/6wx8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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  (732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts. http://tfl.nu/wlt6
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.

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  (779): Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me. http://tfl.nu/6ngm
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  im drinking this country out of the recession.

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  (804): im drinking this country out of the recession. http://tfl.nu/s99f
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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  (850): Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller? http://tfl.nu/lnof
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to find a taint.

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  (724): I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between. (1-724): You need to find a taint. http://tfl.nu/752x
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Nice meating you last night

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Not a typo

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  (843): Nice meating you last night (843): Not a typo http://tfl.nu/icxk
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  (813): View more from Florida

  My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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  (813): My mind said no, but my drink said yes. http://tfl.nu/mirc
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  (425): View more from Washington

  my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

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  (425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me. http://tfl.nu/ks5k
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  (516): View more from New York

  until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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  (516): until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life http://tfl.nu/jc1p
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am

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  (262): I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am http://tfl.nu/wxgn
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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  (412): woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered. http://tfl.nu/z2cy
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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  (719): so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself. http://tfl.nu/omuv
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?

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  (702): we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast. (1-702): do you want me to pick up budweiser instead? http://tfl.nu/46t6
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.

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  (904): i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina. http://tfl.nu/j0mi
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  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.

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  (850): I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off. http://tfl.nu/irzu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i really like this girl i slept with last night

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you ask her out again?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married

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  (703): i really like this girl i slept with last night (202): you ask her out again? (703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married http://tfl.nu/y34d
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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  (859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga? (502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine? http://tfl.nu/6ljy
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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  (856): Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/fxno
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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  (267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store... http://tfl.nu/zpe9
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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  (517): I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity... http://tfl.nu/ueq6
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

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  (336): Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid. http://tfl.nu/ga4m
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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  (678): I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night. http://tfl.nu/yws8
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?

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  (248): Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"? http://tfl.nu/h596
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich

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  (773): Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich http://tfl.nu/iski
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  (626): View more from California

  i need an iv and a liver transplant

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  (626): i need an iv and a liver transplant http://tfl.nu/lbut
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  LETS GO REDSKINS!

  (276): View more from Virginia

  Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.

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  (540): LETS GO REDSKINS! (276): Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday. http://tfl.nu/15rh
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  (716): View more from New York

  you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.

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  (716): you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all. http://tfl.nu/2dp0
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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  (240): He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter. http://tfl.nu/87g5
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (727): View more from Florida

  He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.

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  (727): He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass. http://tfl.nu/11ss
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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  (832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex http://tfl.nu/u4ul
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i'm saving my butt for my wedding night

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  (609): i'm saving my butt for my wedding night http://tfl.nu/fqx0
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  so my dad walked in on us having sex

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  lulz really? why?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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  (256): so my dad walked in on us having sex (1-256): lulz really? why? (256): lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time http://tfl.nu/805g
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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  (248): The first sip always goes straight to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/w086
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  (805): View more from California

  Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.

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  (805): Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer. http://tfl.nu/1b8s
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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  (662): The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits http://tfl.nu/a8f8
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  (310): View more from California

  Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...

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  (310): Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me... http://tfl.nu/5b54
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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  (586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business. http://tfl.nu/ppsa
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I want to walk on stilts...naked

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  (970): I want to walk on stilts...naked http://tfl.nu/tpp3
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  (281): View more from Texas

  well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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  (281): well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido" http://tfl.nu/7omt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list

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  (301): This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list http://tfl.nu/qiye
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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  (201): As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere http://tfl.nu/2ys4
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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  (708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7
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  (315): View more from New York

  Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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  (315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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  (303): How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend http://tfl.nu/ip7i
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  (408): View more from California

  Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.

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  (408): Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0. http://tfl.nu/rypw
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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  (219): My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout? http://tfl.nu/0knj
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?

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  (573): Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night? http://tfl.nu/dwv8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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  (978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night http://tfl.nu/ky4c
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  (518): View more from New York

  i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina

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  (518): i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina http://tfl.nu/y9lz
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.

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  (210): Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly. http://tfl.nu/2xxy
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

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  (563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing http://tfl.nu/bqtp
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

  (425): View more from Washington

  for sure. did you let him do it?

  (206): View more from Washington

  thats not the point.

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  (206): i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship. (425): for sure. did you let him do it? (206): thats not the point. http://tfl.nu/qjrv
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up

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  (312): Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up http://tfl.nu/cco3
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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  (309): My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass http://tfl.nu/e85a
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  I'm on my way.

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  (804): my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now. (1-804): I'm on my way. http://tfl.nu/8nvt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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  (904): There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it? http://tfl.nu/a6bf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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  (402): Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery. http://tfl.nu/iy17
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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  (651): how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting? http://tfl.nu/ew93
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

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  (847): My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo http://tfl.nu/wnvu
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  (806): View more from Texas

  We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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  (806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Most never. Some around 65.

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  (314): So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title? (816): Most never. Some around 65. http://tfl.nu/dvz5
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Porn is love you can see.

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  (586): Porn is love you can see. http://tfl.nu/c5qh
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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  (908): Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great http://tfl.nu/tjsf
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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  (262): I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down. http://tfl.nu/o90m
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?

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  (734): Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits? http://tfl.nu/qmc8
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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  (504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life http://tfl.nu/kko9
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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  (906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on http://tfl.nu/539i
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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  (732): Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab. http://tfl.nu/smzr
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

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  (785): Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face. http://tfl.nu/ktzo
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"

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  (814): he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career" http://tfl.nu/95bq
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  well apparently not.

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  (978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

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  (480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is. http://tfl.nu/0bg6
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  (646): View more from New York

  I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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  (646): I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister. http://tfl.nu/fqyo
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  (805): View more from California

  She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up

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  (805): She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up http://tfl.nu/rsnf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on

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  (970): And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on http://tfl.nu/lu1l
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.

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  (937): I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand. http://tfl.nu/sj9u
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (650): View more from California

  Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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  (650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) http://tfl.nu/fh88
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  (718): View more from New York

  Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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  (718): Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night. http://tfl.nu/a8sl
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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  (269): I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life. http://tfl.nu/x5qx
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Are you talking about my vagina?

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  (252): Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it (919): Are you talking about my vagina? http://tfl.nu/sfmr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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  (519): Clothes are such an inconvenience. http://tfl.nu/1jcm
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it

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  (905): I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it http://tfl.nu/jng0
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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  (860): all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes http://tfl.nu/55qw
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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  (623): I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take. http://tfl.nu/lajr
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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  (860): what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday? http://tfl.nu/71tj
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  (585): View more from New York

  She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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  (585): She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings. http://tfl.nu/pz3m
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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  (248): the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky http://tfl.nu/6tb5
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself

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  (253): I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself http://tfl.nu/cpen
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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  (520): I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs. http://tfl.nu/cv5b
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

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  (864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?! http://tfl.nu/q1jx
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  (817): View more from Texas

  i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

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  (817): i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole http://tfl.nu/vkxw
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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  (917): she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in http://tfl.nu/g0n5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal

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  (937): Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal http://tfl.nu/rcec
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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  (403): Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying. http://tfl.nu/rtdk
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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  (410): He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week. http://tfl.nu/7fuh
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  (546): View more from

  Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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  (546): Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money. http://tfl.nu/o990
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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  (978): ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm? http://tfl.nu/7m7e
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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  (706): I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face. http://tfl.nu/e8qy
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
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  (518): View more from New York

  Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

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  (518): Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle http://tfl.nu/ebj2
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  (646): View more from New York

  I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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  (646): I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me http://tfl.nu/nl48
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You love popeyes more than me

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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  (402): You love popeyes more than me (1-402): does delicious chicken come out of your vagina? http://tfl.nu/hcyr
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  (858): View more from California

  Fuck U Mike is a golden god.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Mike give steph back her phone.

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  (858): Fuck U Mike is a golden god. (504): Mike give steph back her phone. http://tfl.nu/vnnr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  yeah thats usually a good indication.

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  (317): i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face.. (1-317): yeah thats usually a good indication. http://tfl.nu/79nx
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.

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  (912): I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight. http://tfl.nu/g7kq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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  (847): hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score?? http://tfl.nu/pp8r
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Really.

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  (918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you (580): Really. http://tfl.nu/kw5b
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..

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  (443): 8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath.. http://tfl.nu/przo
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  gross she's a slut

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  yea she doesn't shave either

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  (612): dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear (952): gross she's a slut (612): yea she doesn't shave either http://tfl.nu/93ck
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!

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  (203): walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!! http://tfl.nu/de92
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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  (701): Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave? http://tfl.nu/y6y0
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  (972): View more from Texas

  She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.

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  (972): She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur. http://tfl.nu/j1y3
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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  (419): I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight. http://tfl.nu/kz23
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  (562): View more from California

  about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck

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  (562): about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck http://tfl.nu/779f
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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  (303): I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer. http://tfl.nu/2j6i
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  (949): View more from California

  my vag is so smooth its legendary

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  (949): my vag is so smooth its legendary http://tfl.nu/kijd
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter

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  (636): maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter http://tfl.nu/nde0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  what's for breakfast?

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Advil and throwup

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  (404): what's for breakfast? (678): Advil and throwup http://tfl.nu/nzn0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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  (443): God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse. http://tfl.nu/g7w2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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  (412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches http://tfl.nu/0tvi
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  (310): View more from California

  So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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  (310): So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes http://tfl.nu/3hm9
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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  (720): so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass http://tfl.nu/kbrv
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing

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  (513): corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing http://tfl.nu/6ydb
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  (818): View more from California

  my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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  (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you http://tfl.nu/x2i9
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  My brain says no but my pants say off.

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  (902): My brain says no but my pants say off. http://tfl.nu/syce
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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  (603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels (1-603) Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know http://tfl.nu/7nn4
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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  (802): I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job. http://tfl.nu/xzx3
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  (254): View more from Texas

  our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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  (254): our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day http://tfl.nu/vjaj
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says

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  (609): If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says http://tfl.nu/zgg0
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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  (937): Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover http://tfl.nu/h2d8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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  (978): She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo http://tfl.nu/4j6u
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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  (202): no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow http://tfl.nu/mex5
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Cure to hiccups..road head..high five

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  (905): Cure to hiccups..road head..high five http://tfl.nu/bsv1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Rock

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Scissors

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuck

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  (847): Rock (630): Scissors (630): Fuck http://tfl.nu/tdxv
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

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  (973): this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg (1-973): gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something? (973): yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars http://tfl.nu/7tyz
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.

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  (240): So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak. http://tfl.nu/34fx
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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  (708): Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus? http://tfl.nu/ye38
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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  (513): I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear. http://tfl.nu/d8gq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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  (512): He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy http://tfl.nu/obh2
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  (916): View more from California

  put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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  (916): put your butt on the phone this is a booty call http://tfl.nu/3vuo
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  (813): View more from Florida

  so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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  (813): so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw http://tfl.nu/9zj1
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Odds of those being real?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  One in who gives a fuck

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  (202): Odds of those being real? (614): One in who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/agkd
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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  (410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.

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  (720): Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is. http://tfl.nu/8296
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?

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  (416): What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal? http://tfl.nu/1tlo
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

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  (678): I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time. http://tfl.nu/ogf0
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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  (910): He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn. http://tfl.nu/hrhg
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..

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  (804): If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night.. http://tfl.nu/3lun
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over

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  (608): I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over http://tfl.nu/rs0c
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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  (203): my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus. http://tfl.nu/bisy
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  (530): View more from California

  my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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  (530): my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad... http://tfl.nu/yh1f
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

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  (812): When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night. http://tfl.nu/n33w
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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  (352): I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about. http://tfl.nu/yxic
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  (516): View more from New York

  i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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  (516): i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk http://tfl.nu/o6oo
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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  (321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along. http://tfl.nu/x1z0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  oh boy

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

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  (781): I'm starting a business if you want to get involved (1-781): oh boy (781): Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings http://tfl.nu/e1eb
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls

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  (561): i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls http://tfl.nu/2rar
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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  (712): Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it. http://tfl.nu/8ikj
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.

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  (484): New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes. http://tfl.nu/xws1
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  (406): View more from Montana

  That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.

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  (406): That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays. http://tfl.nu/wjf7
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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  (603): GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED (1-603): I feel like half our conversations start this way. http://tfl.nu/9770
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  (786): View more from Florida

  All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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  (786): All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber" http://tfl.nu/jvct
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.

  (416): View more from Ontario

  Got yourself a keeper right there.

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  (905): She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use. (416): Got yourself a keeper right there. http://tfl.nu/t8iu
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Wish you were here....

  (734): View more from Michigan

  And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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  (734): Wish you were here.... (734): And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it? http://tfl.nu/j5nc
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You can't be serious.

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  (417): You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right? (573): You can't be serious. http://tfl.nu/cmch
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and the officer said have you been drinking

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and i said NOO SIR.

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and he said, I am a woman.

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  (864): and the officer said have you been drinking (864): and i said NOO SIR. (864): and he said, I am a woman. http://tfl.nu/8g3i
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks

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  (772): Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks http://tfl.nu/26ja
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber

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  (630): i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber http://tfl.nu/rpg1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

  (212): View more from New York

  Vagina

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  (917): Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type? (212): Vagina http://tfl.nu/du5r
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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  (812): Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life. http://tfl.nu/o2zn
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.

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  (724): Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like. http://tfl.nu/trgq
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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  (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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  (502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later. http://tfl.nu/r27t
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

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  (847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called. http://tfl.nu/lgas
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

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  (251): i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once http://tfl.nu/k6sm
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

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  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...

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  (402): So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant... http://tfl.nu/xr5a
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  (716): View more from New York

  Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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  (716): Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil? http://tfl.nu/jfob
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  (904): View more from Florida

  When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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  (904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit" http://tfl.nu/bodh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts

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  (703): i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts http://tfl.nu/gdmu
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.

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  (770): ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you. http://tfl.nu/3bx1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives

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  (732): her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives http://tfl.nu/13r9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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  (303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2
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  (845): View more from New York

  If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

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  (845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt. http://tfl.nu/ayuf
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  (845): View more from New York

  I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

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  (845): I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard. http://tfl.nu/kj6h
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg

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  (612): Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg http://tfl.nu/5ras
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

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  (314): In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major http://tfl.nu/y5g5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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  (303): other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do http://tfl.nu/c5r9
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  (510): View more from California

  stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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  (510): stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work http://tfl.nu/9l6e
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  (310): View more from California

  It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

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  (310): It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass... http://tfl.nu/egbe
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified

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  (513): Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified http://tfl.nu/jq99
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  (650): View more from California

  from now on my penis is your penis

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  (650): from now on my penis is your penis http://tfl.nu/ipfj
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate

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  (407): I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate http://tfl.nu/yf54
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  (281): View more from Texas

  It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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  (281): It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms. http://tfl.nu/ibyd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline

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  (303): That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline http://tfl.nu/qmbu
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.

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  (516): I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen. http://tfl.nu/vaik
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  (510): View more from California

  You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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  (510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen. http://tfl.nu/ldf9
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other

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  (302): it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other http://tfl.nu/yidf
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem

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  (636): The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem http://tfl.nu/u45p
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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  (616): I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her. http://tfl.nu/z7hr
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  (310): View more from California

  This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.

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  (310): This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/e7vz
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  (328): View more from

  im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

  (1-328): View more from

  anal.

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  (328): im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is? (1-328): anal. http://tfl.nu/bglg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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  (203): She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone http://tfl.nu/bzdp
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  (916): View more from California

  I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night

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  (916): I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night http://tfl.nu/fggv
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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  (317): Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow. http://tfl.nu/7vty
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

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  (248): thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer. http://tfl.nu/nnju
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  (909): View more from California

  grandma shit on top of the toilet

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  (909): grandma shit on top of the toilet http://tfl.nu/v03m
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Whats the glycemic index on semen?

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  (216): Whats the glycemic index on semen? http://tfl.nu/dx5r
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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  (847): she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick. http://tfl.nu/abnm
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.

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  (843): I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over. http://tfl.nu/mbe0
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  (831): View more from California

  my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.

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  (831): my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens. http://tfl.nu/mq1e
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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  (608): The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries. http://tfl.nu/yhvv
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  how was last night?

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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  (908): how was last night? (1-908): i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me. http://tfl.nu/23nl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.

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  (913): Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country. http://tfl.nu/x6hu
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  "Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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  (913): "Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/szr3
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

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  (443): Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain. (1-443): Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one. http://tfl.nu/00ky
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  (914): View more from New York

  so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok

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  (914): so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok http://tfl.nu/x8pl
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  (914): View more from New York

  I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.

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  (914): I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis. http://tfl.nu/cpy9
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  (253): View more from Washington

  she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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  (253): she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't http://tfl.nu/jem5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life

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  (301): in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life http://tfl.nu/47y4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass

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  (303): i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass http://tfl.nu/z36r
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  (650): View more from California

  I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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  (650): I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs. http://tfl.nu/bo8w
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (386): View more from Florida

  totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.

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  (386): totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen. http://tfl.nu/yxbj
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.

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  (608): he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily. http://tfl.nu/l76l
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.

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  (202): I want to give you a handjob with my mouth. http://tfl.nu/s0yv
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
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  (518): View more from New York

  Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face

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  (518): Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face http://tfl.nu/t4mk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic

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  (303): i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic http://tfl.nu/ibrs
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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  (402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed. http://tfl.nu/mbr1
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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  (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML? http://tfl.nu/ajh1
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?

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  (504): Aren't I supposed to sit on your face? http://tfl.nu/tzlx
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  (530): View more from California

  Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

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  (530): Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls. http://tfl.nu/qy86
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  (661): View more from California

  Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

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  (661): Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times. http://tfl.nu/sk4n
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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  (906): last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that http://tfl.nu/8upf
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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