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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
kristin has been a bad kristin
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she told me i tasted like america
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i dont even know how to be here
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i think my tv is drunk
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Please, let me fuck your mom
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
well you can't waste a boner
Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so let's talk penis.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
...so i touched it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Yo dont text me then not text me
I heard we made out
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
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