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I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
being pregnant is like rehab
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
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