Texts From Last Night · balletballet's Favorites

Sorry clevelandsfinest hasn't picked any favorites yet.

balletballet's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(757): View more from Virginia

he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire

Fav 5 1611 712
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on

Fav 5 1818 871
share tweet

(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

Fav 6 1851 782
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm bringing the tv in with me.

Fav 17 2255 1401
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.

Fav 5 2042 867
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs

Fav 9 2700 872
share tweet

(203): View more from Connecticut

MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.

Fav 1 1027 1750
share tweet

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.

Fav 10 1284 757
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

Fav 6 2830 842
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

Fav 19 2182 1305
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

Fav 5 2900 942
share tweet

(830): View more from Texas

we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

Fav 8 2714 931
share tweet

(614): View more from Ohio

He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.

Fav 3 1676 745
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

Fav 6 1663 686
share tweet

(631): View more from New York

I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.

Fav 6 1320 847
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here

Fav 8 1296 726
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

Fav 6 1903 862
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

Fav 10 4400 1053
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell

Fav 6 839 1650
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes

Fav 4 1439 744
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

Fav 8 3441 946
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

Fav 17 1038 3827
share tweet
(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

Fav 5 3446 1010
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.

Fav 4 784 1512
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow

Fav 9 1648 1064
share tweet
(714): View more from California

you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"

Fav 4 2230 856
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

Fav 10 3900 936
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

Fav 7 2118 932
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true

Fav 9 1217 1654
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe

Fav 2 1412 801
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

Fav 2 2192 737
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

Fav 3 2103 975
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

Fav 3 2954 826
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs

Fav 7 1894 765
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

Fav 6 1754 894
share tweet
(353): View more from

I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.

Fav 5 1585 701
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"

Fav 11 3159 859
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.

Fav 11 2409 903
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

Fav 15 1102 2705
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

Fav 5 933 1362
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.

Fav 2 1603 848
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

Fav 6 3385 969
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

Fav 15 1476 1764
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

Fav 18 2576 1215
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

Fav 8 1977 771
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

Fav 8 1688 856
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.

Fav 7 1284 968
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

Fav 17 3210 1028
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.

Fav 2 804 1525
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

Fav 7 2707 781
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap

Fav 24 1253 3137
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

Fav 10 3829 1089
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You said you were "testing the product for Chris."

(848): View more from New Jersey

I'm a bad man.

Fav 2 1858 1146
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

Fav 10 3023 924
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

Fav 11 2390 973
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

Fav 9 3412 942
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.

Fav 7 1029 1644
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose

Fav 7 1860 1186
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

Fav 2 1548 1000
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

Fav 4 1523 779
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

Fav 5 2440 867
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.

Fav 12 2267 850
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink

Fav 3 1859 835
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE

Fav 3 1536 719
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60

Fav 10 1632 1328
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

Fav 20 4342 1444
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."

Fav 7 1005 1411
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

Fav 6 2525 863
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

Fav 6 2219 1139
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

Fav 18 4415 1104
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her

Fav 4 2726 812
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

Fav 15 3808 998
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

Fav 12 2289 1131
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Ugh he's texting me.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

Fav 5 1904 974
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

Fav 3 2629 1012
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

Fav 4 2269 1639
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

Fav 12 2988 1634
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

Fav 9 2796 1386
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

Fav 6 3862 1447
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

Fav 14 3339 1614
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels

Fav 4 2156 925
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

Fav 6 2855 878
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw

Fav 12 3132 933
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

Fav 14 2764 1241
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

Fav 18 4527 1086
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

Fav 11 2457 837
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

Fav 10 3391 1115
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.

Fav 9 1903 970
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

Fav 9 3168 907
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money

Fav 6 1985 1342
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

Fav 15 5184 1163
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

Fav 8 2863 889
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.

Fav 24 2588 1030
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

Fav 3 1929 979
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

Fav 19 2994 1061
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

Fav 18 3985 1013
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

Fav 11 1315 3032
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

Fav 15 2322 772
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She's just so happy...and so naked.

Fav 3 3145 836
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

Fav 5 2701 817
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

Fav 20 1198 4031
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule

(856): View more from New Jersey

Lmao sorry

Fav 2 2398 1024
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

Fav 9 1943 912
share tweet
(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

Fav 10 1282 3012
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

Fav 9 1597 2428
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

Fav 10 3021 1118
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

Fav 24 4566 1103
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life

Fav 15 1827 1001
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.

Fav 16 2057 1022
share tweet
(916): View more from California

My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

Fav 17 2967 915
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

Fav 8 3380 1415
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.

Fav 4 1607 1023
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

Fav 4 2137 975
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

Fav 16 3041 972
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

Fav 3 3518 1048
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.

Fav 11 1339 818
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.

Fav 7 2460 916
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

Fav 32 6845 1870
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

Fav 27 6247 1305
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am

Fav 12 6349 1065
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

Fav 22 5402 1103
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

Fav 6 6323 1099
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

Fav 5 6065 1288
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

Fav 36 10407 1455
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.

Fav 13 1419 2702
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop

Fav 12 2262 1090
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

Fav 3 5138 1297
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

Fav 67 2929 9490
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

Fav 17 4944 1781
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

Fav 57 3365 1158
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6234 1625
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

Fav 16 7688 1127
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

Fav 7 3312 1405
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

Fav 24 1497 7572
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

what do i owe you?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

$237.46 to be exact.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.

Fav 9 2568 962
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.

Fav 4 1816 908
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

Fav 9 3345 1017
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

Fav 8 2133 2768
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

Fav 13 6152 2532
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

if i died would you start the facebook group?

Fav 27 4640 1413
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.

Fav 8 882 2351
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

Fav 10 3150 1615
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined

Fav 8 1654 1112
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

Fav 13 1618 7025
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

Fav 9 1311 4085
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

Fav 14 3304 1731
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

Fav 11 1872 1149
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit

Fav 12 1029 3017
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.

Fav 5 3216 870
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.

Fav 12 724 2267
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

Fav 11 2728 990
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness

Fav 4 746 1544
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

Fav 22 1196 5877
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

Fav 19 2640 798
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

Fav 8 4009 1022
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

Fav 26 4554 980
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

Fav 9 3006 857
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

Fav 12 3159 1044
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.

Fav 8 1777 1337
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?

Fav 11 978 1961
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.

Fav 11 1741 856
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special

Fav 5 1917 786
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.

Fav 7 1535 1105
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".

Fav 5 2561 923
share tweet
(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

Fav 17 5684 1156
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

Fav 5 2352 768
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

Fav 14 3040 1264
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.

Fav 3 1858 774
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.

Fav 15 3447 887
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza

Fav 3 1970 802
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

Fav 13 2749 1129
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.

Fav 24 3145 1047
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

Fav 8 2015 1002
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

Fav 18 2851 1044
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

Fav 7 3096 1118
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.

Fav 19 2562 1018
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.

Fav 5 2033 853
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

Fav 9 3163 1129
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

Fav 14 2091 1121
share tweet
(650): View more from California

It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.

Fav 3 1534 950
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

Fav 15 2610 893
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."

Fav 4 2133 1062
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 5 3708 1017
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

Fav 7 3526 948
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

Fav 12 3304 1181
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

Fav 13 3451 1104
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

Fav 8 7461 1150
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

Fav 50 10333 2800
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___

Fav 4 996 1511
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

Fav 11 7754 1739
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.

Fav 33 4942 1009
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face

Fav 3 1397 3733
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell

Fav 19 4329 1533
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

Fav 15 6761 1258
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

Fav 33 10879 1423
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

Fav 3 2694 1042
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.

Fav 20 3342 1418
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish

Fav 27 5712 1122
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?

Fav 11 1304 979
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

Fav 19 6749 1431
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

Fav 16 2041 2887
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11637 3453
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

Fav 90 12657 1531
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?

Fav 31 5513 2154
share tweet
(831): View more from California

you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger

Fav 11 3966 1296
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

Fav 15 2834 1283
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

Fav 29 10546 1493
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

Fav 71 30270 1905
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations

Fav 16 5910 908
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

Fav 13 9461 1517
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

Fav 19 2265 6756
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.

Fav 86 5441 2425
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

Fav 15 3436 996
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

Fav 28 4472 2541
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.

Fav 16 992 5899
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

Fav 15 5995 1460
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...

Fav 8 1022 1618
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.

Fav 7 1095 1625
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.

Fav 10 1519 4908
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

Fav 41 2720 785
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

Fav 48 9451 1405
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed

Fav 83 1423 5105
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.

Fav 2 1317 821
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.

Fav 5 1806 1082
share tweet
(264): View more from Anguilla

I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.

Fav 9 2271 1037
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.

Fav 3 1717 1090
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

Fav 10 3332 1135
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

Fav 9 2152 776
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

Fav 17 1849 816
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

Fav 15 2903 1219
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

Fav 12 3743 1111
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.

Fav 3 1638 807
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

Fav 38 7035 3220
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

Fav 21 8528 1051
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah

Fav 2 1987 1028
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

Fav 12 4294 1299
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

Fav 8 4398 1130
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

Fav 6 3889 1239
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

Fav 5 4554 1191
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days

Fav 25 5721 1356
share tweet
(925): View more from California

He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

Fav 43 1047 5047
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

Fav 5 6208 1909
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.

Fav 6 1133 2063
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

Fav 3 4163 1226
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

Fav 16 1372 4683
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.

Fav 12 2086 1482
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it

Fav 13 1117 4299
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill

Fav 12 817 3201
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

wow. woo me matt, woo me.

Fav 5 1689 1939
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.

Fav 12 843 1326
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

Fav 8 3811 1115
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

Fav 5 2566 1011
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

Fav 19 1488 2674
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

Fav 11 2102 1110
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

Fav 12 2273 884
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

Fav 29 2462 1703
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

Fav 7 3181 1222
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1217
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.

Fav 47 1286 5117
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

Fav 25 7131 1698
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

Fav 17 4955 1490
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

Fav 43 7268 1331
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

Fav 14 4917 1530
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

Fav 81 3156 6577
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

Fav 17 1417 3814
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

Fav 13 8198 1458
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

Fav 19 7109 1534
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

Fav 36 11323 1264
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

I'm glad girls dont get visible erections

(617): View more from Massachusetts

But, it would have made life so much easier...

Fav 27 3778 918
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

Fav 50 9977 3497
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

Fav 11 4801 1274
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.

Fav 6 2102 1639
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

Fav 7 3109 898
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

Fav 13 2212 4679
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...

Fav 42 1596 6985
share tweet
(890): View more from

whats a polygalesbian?

(728): View more from

lesbian polygamists..duh.

Fav 4 1469 783
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

Fav 7 2661 1135
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.

Fav 7 4567 1149
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

Fav 92 5107 1383
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

Fav 36 4171 1115
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?

(467): View more from

I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?

(317): View more from Indiana

Can you ship it to me then?

Fav 4 2706 968
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

Fav 10 2600 1009
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

Fav 6 3060 968
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

Fav 18 2102 984
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

Fav 23 4718 1333
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

Fav 31 1148 10232
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

Fav 29 3297 7435
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent

Fav 13 6035 1052
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever

Fav 9 3708 1731
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.

Fav 40 1596 8679
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

Fav 131 14935 3473
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

Fav 10 7284 1528
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20

Fav 72 5867 1150
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.

Fav 2 1635 972
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.

Fav 5 855 1350
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.

Fav 17 3987 994
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

U took a sewing needle to his nipple

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Psshh,

Fav 5 1010 1827
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

Fav 18 932 2101
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?

Fav 9 3008 773
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

Fav 14 9862 1070
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.

Fav 9 1086 3157
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27495 1858
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

Fav 34 5844 1067
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

Fav 37 6543 1011
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism

Fav 12 1026 2866
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...

Fav 3 2091 841
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

Fav 7 2761 891
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard

Fav 5 3049 807
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

Fav 11 2336 884
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on

Fav 43 3481 1050
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

Fav 13 4306 1303
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.

Fav 10 3083 1256
share tweet
(949): View more from California

we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds

Fav 12 834 3358
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

Fav 21 3624 1069
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

Fav 9 1772 876
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

Fav 37 8049 1125
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

Fav 10 4794 1431
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

Fav 67 8224 1331
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

Fav 8 2844 1097
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

Fav 9 4445 1374
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

Fav 19 5095 1250
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.

Fav 37 1187 6687
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.

Fav 7 2353 966
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight

Fav 30 2998 896
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

Fav 5 2289 1048
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

Fav 20 3021 1766
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

Fav 55 1523 4459
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

Fav 40 1275 2534
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

Fav 61 18440 1591
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you

Fav 11 1568 1124
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

Fav 11 3593 980
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

Fav 19 2411 966
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

Fav 12 10023 1192
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

Fav 1 1496 2138
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter

(310): View more from California

your less of a man for seeing that

Fav 13 1108 3776
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

Fav 71 5508 990
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

Fav 15 6509 1181
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!

Fav 25 3434 1058
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.

Fav 4 1975 1130
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.

Fav 11 1074 3198
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

Fav 46 16789 1737
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

Fav 55 8791 1253
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1453
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

Fav 104 24498 1398
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7992 1548
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

Fav 11 4312 1791
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

Fav 33 6279 3313
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21339 2218
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

Fav 4 3186 1107
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

Fav 26 9156 1358
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

Fav 14 3708 926
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.

Fav 6 2360 787
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

Fav 5 4612 1220
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

Fav 7 1814 3732
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

Fav 8 2398 1268
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

Fav 8 1465 3018
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.

Fav 67 992 4772
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

Fav 15 4083 961
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

Fav 26 4377 1271
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.

Fav 6 2744 947
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

Fav 35 4574 1844
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm sorry my penis didn't work

Fav 10 1095 2626
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better

Fav 31 5887 921
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

Fav 27 2307 5539
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

Fav 33 10128 1187
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

Fav 7 3106 1185
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

Fav 29 4166 1022
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

Fav 22 4833 1464
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

Fav 12 3629 1143
share tweet
(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

Fav 4 4493 1104
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

Fav 5 4488 1313
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.

Fav 29 3979 1264
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom

Fav 12 1124 4042
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

Fav 27 3690 4444
share tweet
(421): View more from

And she was only 16?

(1-421): View more from

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Fav 30 3550 1668
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.

Fav 4 3329 1188
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

Fav 4 1416 1368
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.

Fav 19 5709 1353
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I'm jealous of your bromance

Fav 2 1455 847
share tweet
(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

Fav 26 6196 1293
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

Fav 77 28630 2260
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

Fav 9 4571 1231
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Fav 5 2178 1399
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.

Fav 2 2351 1129
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.

Fav 33 4856 992
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

Fav 26 5924 1333
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

Fav 12 3409 1012
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

Fav 15 5226 2128
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

Fav 3 1451 1558
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

Fav 15 1806 2558
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

(208): View more from Idaho

Beautiful, beautiful reality

Fav 3 2336 814
share tweet
(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

Fav 42 4186 9592
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.

Fav 8 891 2164
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

Fav 12 1137 4035
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

Fav 86 4409 1897
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.

Fav 3 1445 1008
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.

Fav 3 2141 1056
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1538
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend

(936): View more from Texas

Get a boyfriend

Fav 3 922 1241
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

Fav 4 2931 1390
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

Fav 8 1442 2948
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

Fav 18 1509 2914
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

Fav 8 1690 3193
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

Fav 23 2365 5057
share tweet
(916): View more from California

she's into porn, im staying here tonight

Fav 31 7098 1009
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

Fav 6 3992 1169
share tweet
(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

Fav 41 2051 3606
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

Fav 47 2518 6440
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten

(301): View more from Maryland

so glad i banged her when she was skinny

Fav 18 3939 1117
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

Fav 6 2572 1004
share tweet
(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

Fav 12 7686 1118
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

Fav 15 9916 1364
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard

Fav 30 4424 1106
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery

Fav 6 2411 1668
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance

Fav 6 1986 1284
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

Fav 7 3381 1492
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

Fav 27 4162 2342
share tweet
(389): View more from

So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"

Fav 4 1532 862
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

Fav 12 7481 1405
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

Fav 7 4937 1234
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

Fav 15 1495 4421
share tweet
(619): View more from California

The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it

Fav 66 1167 4508
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

Fav 17 8487 1136
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

Fav 26 6038 1907
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

Fav 21 2868 1269
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

Fav 25 2243 927
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

Fav 11 8283 1545
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help

Fav 5 1856 974
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

Fav 22 5618 1471
share tweet
(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

Fav 16 3761 1230
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

Fav 29 6280 1538
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.

Fav 10 1162 4149
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

Fav 34 13464 1382
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

Fav 34 1768 5756
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.

Fav 43 1558 5903
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

Fav 18 4124 998
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

Fav 12 11848 1906
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

Fav 17 4677 2380
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

Fav 27 5112 1386
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

Fav 11 5163 1693
share tweet
(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

Fav 54 8666 1607
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

Fav 16 2971 1198
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

Fav 31 6736 1352
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.

Fav 7 2825 1121
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

Fav 11 6083 1254
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

Fav 75 24982 1728
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

Fav 52 6843 3887
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

Fav 25 9273 1458
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill

Fav 3 915 2432
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

Fav 86 10014 3311
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

Fav 37 14062 1414
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

yes

(601): View more from Mississippi

did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?

Fav 13 5159 1185
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

Fav 50 1018 5779
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

Fav 7 3739 972
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

Fav 25 5065 1932
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"

Fav 27 1017 4168
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

Fav 12 2225 3193
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26747 2047
share tweet
(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

Fav 54 2394 5139
share tweet
(213): View more from California

those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later

Fav 9 6523 884
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

Fav 58 15273 1767
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

(925): View more from California

I hate that you know that from experience

Fav 11 1581 2634
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

Fav 20 6054 1698
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

Fav 45 24502 1548
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?

Fav 25 1443 5023
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

Fav 44 4433 1930
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.

Fav 9 1041 2316
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

Fav 27 4539 1136
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.

Fav 5 1857 746
share tweet
(481): View more from

I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW

Fav 8 2395 861
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

Fav 22 8132 1833
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

Fav 50 6987 2587
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework

Fav 34 1466 4950
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

Fav 14 2942 1130
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

Fav 26 4974 1669
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8465 1871
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

Fav 47 19511 1278
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth

Fav 29 4688 1068
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

Fav 17 5191 1490
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10584 1521
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

Fav 17 1188 4347
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

Fav 23 4781 1486
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

Fav 17 2150 5275
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

Fav 41 2520 5550
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

Fav 15 6900 908
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.

Fav 5 897 3959
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.

Fav 11 1014 3190
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

Fav 12 2758 3525
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.

Fav 31 1655 4921
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

Fav 5 4908 1088
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.

Fav 37 2086 3905
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.

Fav 11 2467 1390
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.

Fav 50 1316 12144
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.

Fav 17 1164 5141
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I can't find my pants or my car

(813): View more from Florida

I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...

(561): View more from Florida

ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.

Fav 9 1756 890
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

Fav 13 6771 1619
share tweet
(530): View more from California

sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom

Fav 29 2552 842
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.

Fav 16 2888 1166
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.

Fav 10 1341 3426
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

Fav 18 8071 1462
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

A Penis?

Fav 50 3869 887
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): View more from Indiana

Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): View more from Illinois

Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

Fav 20 2924 1133
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16529 1701
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me

Fav 66 1133 20841
share tweet
(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

Fav 30 4250 1176
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

Fav 42 6274 859
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

Fav 46 6345 1206
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Dude. Creed is coming in september.

(1-817): View more from Texas

We're no longer friends.

Fav 43 1614 4429
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

Fav 14 10070 2798
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

Fav 83 10184 1168
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.

Fav 5 1431 805
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad

Fav 8 2265 1273
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

Fav 6 4373 1196
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

Fav 38 12624 1473
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again

Fav 16 1073 8166
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

Fav 4 2502 1030
share tweet
(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

Fav 8 3218 1362
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis

Fav 3 1653 733
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard

Fav 1 1361 772
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.

Fav 13 2403 876
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

Fav 15 1247 3210
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

Fav 21 4693 2618
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

Fav 55 1605 3572
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

are you going to last longer than 15 seconds

(1-913): View more from Kansas

nope

Fav 34 1602 6608
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

Fav 35 5558 1130
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

Fav 8 3028 1150
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Fav 51 18893 1736
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him

Fav 50 2190 5048
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

Fav 57 5036 1662
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

Fav 16 6039 1209
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

(571): View more from Virginia

you make me proud to be your friend

Fav 65 5053 945
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

Fav 3 4031 1241
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.

Fav 8 3097 1222
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2362
share tweet
(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

Fav 24 7906 1335
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

Fav 32 4743 1743
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies

Fav 34 7504 1245
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

Fav 45 7929 1432
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.

Fav 89 6088 1751
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

Fav 36 12331 1058
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww

(1-613): View more from Ontario

no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call

Fav 27 1255 4489
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5779 1408
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.

Fav 15 964 2366
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly

Fav 15 4059 1768
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you

Fav 4 2763 888
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

Fav 13 2934 940
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

Fav 12 1404 5338
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

Fav 14 2999 1456
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.

(310): View more from California

Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.

Fav 12 3499 777
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

Fav 9 1962 943
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

Fav 12 9030 1341
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

Fav 7 4271 1077
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

Fav 15 4437 1721
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

well you can't waste a boner

Fav 12 5179 934
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.

Fav 11 883 2317
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

Fav 14 8151 1267
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

Fav 36 17426 1386
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46244 4282
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination

Fav 1 2287 792
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

Fav 4 1170 1664
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"

Fav 12 2900 888
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

Fav 9 1031 3584
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.

Fav 18 1249 4226
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

Fav 12 1151 2155
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

Fav 3 1256 1702
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

Fav 6 2496 777
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

Fav 19 1374 2544
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?

Fav 9 2004 754
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

Fav 7 3003 1126
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

Fav 2 2657 995
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.

Fav 11 1536 2384
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

Fav 3 3267 962
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.

Fav 2 1166 1315
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?

Fav 7 1611 973
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

(604): View more from British Columbia

And your cock privileges have been revoked.

Fav 10 1481 2039
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

Fav 10 3912 999
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.

Fav 8 2945 874
share tweet
(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

Fav 21 2058 952
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

Fav 3 2951 1440
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

Fav 3 2203 1067
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.

Fav 5 1736 944
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

Fav 10 7902 1650
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

Fav 11 3688 995
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

Fav 22 2106 4274
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

Fav 68 13490 2856
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

Fav 49 11788 3054
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!

(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends

Fav 5 982 2087
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

Fav 12 8303 1045
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

Fav 73 1526 8379
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"

(1-386): View more from Florida

You're going home with him aren't you?

(386): View more from Florida

I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house

Fav 12 1542 3188
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series

Fav 95 1388 3857
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

Fav 20 8360 1578
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless

Fav 75 4118 1782
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

Fav 13 1430 2785
share tweet
(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

Fav 21 6284 1903
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

Fav 15 5920 2117
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

Fav 49 8807 1608
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..

Fav 30 1183 8844
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.

Fav 22 909 4514
share tweet
(858): View more from California

i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..

(720): View more from Colorado

yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures

Fav 7 3282 863
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1739 9114
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Darwin at his finest.

Fav 25 6226 1552
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?

Fav 37 5700 1140
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

Fav 20 3327 1172
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

Fav 13 4296 1048
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

Fav 7 4773 1145
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.

Fav 12 1223 2276
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

Fav 7 2851 1201
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.

Fav 5 1369 1111
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

Fav 34 1775 12107
share tweet
(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

Fav 31 1758 12447
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i just had sex bonerless

Fav 84 1943 12531
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

Fav 65 2431 12819
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

Fav 39 2333 13040
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

Fav 30 1823 13442
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

Fav 33 2017 14231
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

Fav 51 2758 14321
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1676 14431
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

Fav 63 1589 14755
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

Fav 24 2050 14907
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

Fav 47 3555 15037
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3623 15828
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3689 15935
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

Fav 194 3432 16186
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

Fav 55 2008 16027
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2545 16040
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

Fav 39 1418 16178
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

Fav 73 1579 16172
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

He went soft

(631): View more from New York

Wait. During?

(260): View more from Indiana

Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

Fav 99 1255 16398
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2464 17276
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Haha, bad night?

Fav 144 1741 17283
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

Fav 55 1797 17434
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

Fav 74 4314 18528
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

Fav 99 2146 19249
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1594 19818
share tweet
(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

Fav 144 2261 19972
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

Fav 125 1668 23133
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Fav 99 3057 24679
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

Fav 134 13940 26668
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

Fav 197 2433 27504
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2624 29259
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

Fav 111 2920 36826
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

Fav 122 5059 36761
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4007 40874
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7731 42055
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49747
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

Fav 98 5676 55439
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

Fav 17 1145 2754
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt

Fav 9 933 2855
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

Fav 35 1598 3650
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.

Fav 8 977 3916
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

Fav 101 31710 5405
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

Fav 91 31987 1634
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33070 3530
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Fav 166 32932 2487
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32857 3009
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35244 2058
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1625
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38255 5883
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39280 2242
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2304
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3929
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39928 2450
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39700 2415
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39794 2528
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40100 2218
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

Fav 197 39520 2106
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41221 2677
share tweet
(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

Fav 74 42090 1696
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

Fav 349 45455 5490
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48531 2768
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47671 3212
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51212 2741
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2387
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3106
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53569 2640
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53715 3601
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53081 3395
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54012 2794
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55478 5265
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

Fav 63 59914 1927
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2875
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64418 3037
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67670 4395
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67837 4686
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75100 3013
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3434
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82806 5241
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88551 4083
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89722 8276
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96430 5746
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104255 6834
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115835 11205
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120255 4361
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 132000 5202
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146109 10758
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178668 8190
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8311 61693
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

Fav 121 5010 63839
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7686 81667
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

Fav 599 6029 103462
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

Fav 17 6003 1234
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.

Fav 6 2009 806
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

Fav 30 7405 1217
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

Fav 9 4746 1032
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

Fav 3 2141 879
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

Fav 15 2668 1398
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with

Fav 6 2020 912
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

Fav 12 2822 928
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

Fav 29 4046 1150
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

Fav 7 876 2677
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

Fav 15 3679 1106
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

Fav 10 3082 1142
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

Fav 7 4012 942
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

Fav 16 2737 1179
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

Fav 10 4626 1057
share tweet