The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
