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No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we're making bets on your personal life
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bring money and cleavage
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
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