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1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
where are you?
Hypothermia
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
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