I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
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