He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she pinky promised me she was 18
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I spit up blood this morning
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better