Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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