I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
