there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
