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Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
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