Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
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