I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Loading more great texts...