this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
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Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
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