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Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
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