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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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