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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So squirting runs in the family.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Girls should come with a carfax report
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
ttyl tear gas
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
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