when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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