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Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she pinky promised me she was 18
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
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