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if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
How's work?
Spinning.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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