Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
