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There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I sprained my soul last night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Are we still banned from the library?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
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