Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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