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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
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