i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
