I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
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