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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my phone needs a breathalizer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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