Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
