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Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I didn't notice because vodka
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My liver just had a heart attack.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
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