I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
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