Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
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