I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You made out with two different species that night
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Loading more great texts...