Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
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I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
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