Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Favorite