Rock
Scissors
Fuck
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it hurts more in the daytime
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
