You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
