The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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