Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
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No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
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