Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
And the cops told us we were all naked.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I intend to get homeless drunk
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Favorite