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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
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