I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Did I show you my penis last night?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you will always have a special place in my vag
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"