Texts From Last Night · MAFP's Favorites

MAFP's Favorites Texts:

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."

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(310): View more from California

My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(480): View more from Arizona

I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before

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(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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(317): View more from Indiana

do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?

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(269): View more from Michigan

There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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(226): View more from Ontario

wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(804): View more from Virginia

How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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(360): View more from Washington

5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(302): View more from Delaware

My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(804): View more from Virginia

I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.

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(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(208): View more from Idaho

Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(419): View more from Ohio

If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(831): View more from California

Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(503): View more from Oregon

Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(586): View more from Michigan

plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

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(937): View more from Ohio

She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(631): View more from New York

his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores

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(256): View more from Alabama

Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

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(229): View more from Georgia

I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(518): View more from New York

in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility

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(469): View more from Texas

Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(707): View more from California

then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(559): View more from California

I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(760): View more from California

searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(515): View more from Iowa

In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

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(330): View more from Ohio

the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(973): View more from New Jersey

searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

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(206): View more from Washington

No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.

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(714): View more from California

I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(517): View more from Michigan

He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

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(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already

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(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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(407): View more from Florida

I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.

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(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(361): View more from Texas

I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(619): View more from California

It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(516): View more from New York

the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(937): View more from Ohio

She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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(408): View more from California

Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(775): View more from Nevada

At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.

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(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic

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(631): View more from New York

OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(850): View more from Florida

2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(716): View more from New York

I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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(518): View more from New York

I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(256): View more from Alabama

There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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(248): View more from Michigan

If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(805): View more from California

I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(650): View more from California

I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(214): View more from Texas

We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(682): View more from Texas

There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(510): View more from California

Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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(512): View more from Texas

If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls

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(229): View more from Georgia

She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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(314): View more from Missouri

He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(314): View more from Missouri

every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(303): View more from Colorado

Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

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(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.

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(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he said i ruined lesbian porn for him

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(703): View more from Virginia

does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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(817): View more from Texas

And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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(514): View more from Quebec

I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.

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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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(386): View more from Florida

Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(415): View more from California

i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(231): View more from Michigan

OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You're barking up the wrong lesbian.

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(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(716): View more from New York

i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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(850): View more from Florida

I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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(540): View more from Virginia

Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(912): View more from Georgia

well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(260): View more from Indiana

It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(713): View more from Texas

After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

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(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

(843): View more from South Carolina

I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(775): View more from Nevada

Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(616): View more from Michigan

you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(310): View more from California

It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

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(443): View more from Maryland

At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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(850): View more from Florida

i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(785): View more from Kansas

So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(555): View more from

My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

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(513): View more from Ohio

My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(206): View more from Washington

Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(785): View more from Kansas

Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(515): View more from Iowa

then she stuck her tongue in my ass

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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(801): View more from Utah

What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(707): View more from California

He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again

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(207): View more from Maine

Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(206): View more from Washington

No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You tried to poop in the sink last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(512): View more from Texas

I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(914): View more from New York

When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

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(818): View more from California

his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(516): View more from New York

I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(817): View more from Texas

90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted some perfectly good semen on her

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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(630): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(253): View more from Washington

Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(253): View more from Washington

dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

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(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Did u at least say sorry?

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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