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I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Did I show you my penis last night?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
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