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i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this will be a night to untag.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
bring money and cleavage
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
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