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Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
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