Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She tied me up with her honor cords...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Favorite