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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Are my feet made of real feet?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i would punch a child for taco bell
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
her vagine was all disorganized.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
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