i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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