Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I will pee on everything he values.
I need a burrito and a hug.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it glows. i had to have it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Be still, my beating vagina.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Jerry, you need to find god
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i already hear my dad disowning me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
false alarm. still invincible.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
we have officially lost it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
one two three fourrrrnication!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Fuck appropriateness.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Porn is love you can see.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Favorite