I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
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