Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
