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So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
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