You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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